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It's my F-ing Journal, Mate!
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| I should be asleep, but I can't help but post this.
I don't hate anyone. Not actively. It takes way too much effort to hate people, and I want it to be understood that it just isn't possible for me to hate anyone.
This year was a lot of firsts. I've never felt the need to cut people out of my life until this year. I never successfully did so, until this year. And I've never had to make a post like this, until this year.
I'm not sure I should leave this as comments on people's journals, because honestly, I sort of feel it's better kept to myself. If they never read it, that's alright. Tonight I heard the phrase, "hate is not the opposite of love, apathy is." I don't know if I agree with that, but it did get me thinking.
With respect to some recent developments, I've become very confused. I find that I'm arguing a lot with myself, and with previous input, but I keep coming to the same conclusion. Maybe I'm just so biased that I can't see any other option... but I just don't know.
All I can say is that I'm sorry for making people feel hurt, I'm sorry that you think I'm some kind of crazy bitch, I'm sorry that I felt the need to exclude you from my life. I won't say I had the best intentions, because I know that's not true. I have been in the process of putting myself back together, and I hope you've been doing the same. I've forgiven what's been done to me, there are always some scars that escape attention for a long time... but I'm over it. And I'm very glad to be able to say that with all honesty.
If this is apathy, I don't see it as such a bad thing. I don't see it as being harmful, maybe you do.
All I know is that I burnt some bridges, and I hate having to look at their remains. I'd like to build some new ones over top so that those old hurts can be completely forgotten and replaced with better things. Maybe you don't want this, maybe you're not ready... that's fine. If I have to look at those forever, so be it... it was an experience and I learned a lot. I just don't want to look back and have to say I was too afraid to try. | comments: 8 comments or Leave a comment   |
| The story: (From Scott Adam's DNRC newsletter)
HIT SONG WRITTEN BY COMMITTEE
==============================
Recently on the Dilbert Blog, I mused about the seeming randomness of
the lyrics of popular songs. And I challenged my readers to submit
random lyrics of their own that could be combined into a song.
Lots of people submitted their random lyrics, and German band RIVO
DREI put the best ones together, added music, and created a
surprisingly great little song.
One of my blog readers took it an extra step and made a music video
using nothing but images from the Internet. You might be surprised
how well it came out:
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=TiH9dbAsAp0 | | comments: Leave a comment |
| This all started a couple years ago. There was a day that I invited ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) wasslara's mom to come show her jewelry at UAM. Because she's awesome, she brought me lunch as well. I told her I'd have whatever she was having, knowing that wasslara's mom has very good taste in things (she goes crazy whenever I make croissants... and I love all of her cooking). She brought in sandwiches. Not just any sandwiches though, these were the most delicious curry-chicken sandwiches I've every tasted. They were from a sandwich shop down the street from where she lives.
That's when the love affair started.
At UCSD, there are a couple coffee/snack places that have similar curry-chicken sandwiches, they're on croissants... and they're delicious. But because I'm not independently wealthy, I couldn't afford to buy them whenever I wanted them... and they were often sold out anyway.
This all culminated last night. I was talking with londubh about what we should have for dinner. I wanted something cold, because it was a rather warm day, and I was in the mood for a salad... you know, something light. We, in the end, picked two recipes that looked good (Both from Alton Brown).
1) ( Spinach Salad with Warm Bacon Dressing: )
And
2)( Carrot Slaw: )
The Raven and I decided that both sounded good, and we'd make both of them.
I got through the preparation of the Spinach Salad... and was too tired to make the Carrot Slaw (I think I secretly wanted the spinach salad more...) and so decided to make the Carrot slaw this morning.
And what to my surprise turned out? The most delicious dressing ever! And it tastes almost exactly like the curry-chicken, except with carrots. So I decided to make some chicken and try the recipe with that.
It was beautiful.
( Curry-Chicken Sandwich )
I am so happy I finally figured out this recipe... Later I'm going to try making lemon curd... we'll see how that turns out!
Bon appétit! | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I'm waiting in the lab, for the professor that was supposed to meet me today.
I've put away all the files, books and boxes. So where is the professor? For now I'm stuck in front of the computer... chatting with no one, idling time away.
The day is overcast and vaguely breezy. The windows are open to let in the gloom. I like gloom.
I've got nothing to do. No, that isn't true. I could be coding papers, but I prefer to do that on the comfort of a sofa... with some food to munch and a show to watch during breaks.
I think I'll risk a trip to her office. Maybe she hasn't gotten my email... or perhaps she's been eaten! Only one way to tell. | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| Things I need to get done:
-Wiley's Coat
-Borca Larp stuff
-Papers for work
-buy a train ticket
-make payments on credit card when there's money in the bank
-deposit car check from my sister
-buy some vegetables
-cat food?
-file the stuff in the lab
-learn statistics
-clean my room and start packing/getting rid of things
-Make illicitlearning's cloak
-make my cloak (very low priority)
-figure out where I'm living in a month
-Comic con?
-Work at UAM on the 13th
-find some way to keep the Raven from playing computer games rather than working... without making him snappy at me...
-figure out some kind of relaxation technique that doesn't involve money...
-save money for Scotland trip (I'M SO EXCITED I CAN'T HOLD IT IN! SKWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeel!!!!)
-Move, where? I don't know...
Yeah... lots of stress... not much of an outlet... but the coat is looking really awesome. I'm super excited about it... And Scotland... I'm super excited about that too... I'm so ready to just pick up and move... if I knew the shop would work out.... yeah...
Anyway, I think it's time for sleep, I have to get up early tomorrow and get to work on time... like 9ish... would be good. Ok, goodnight! | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | MCR: teenagers | | Subject: | cleaning mania! | | Time: | 12:07 am | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/happy.gif) optimistic |
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| I finally got down to doing something productive! I've cleaned almost the entire house, single-handedly!
I started with the bathroom... vacuuming, cleaning the mirror and counter, toilet and sink. Then I started a load of laundry, cleaned the dishes, and cleaned both cat litter boxes. Then I went to my room. I got everything off the floor and vacuumed. I then vacuumed down the stairs and the kitchen floor. I finished the laundry and "ice skated" on the kitchen floor aka moped the floor with towels on my feet. Then I vacuumed down the stairs to the garage and moped the bit of linoleum down there. Now I have to go clean off my bed, put away the clean clothes... and take a shower (I'm dirty... ew...). I may even get the dishes put away if they're dry...
Tomorrow I attack the living-room I think... especially the couch and the kitchen shelves and cabinets... not sure how much I'll get done... but I hope to at least vacuum the couch... it's kinda gross... and I wouldn't want notuslethe to have to sleep on it the way it is currently... with all the cat fur and dust. Anyway... I feel much better now that I've had mostly a day of resting and then the excercise of cleaning house... I have a feeling some of my "Manic"-ness is back... but is it really a bad thing that I'm getting stuff done?
Anywho, at least I don't feel so depressed anymore... maybe I'll get up early tomorrow and go swimming... who knows... energy is a great thing, ain't it? | | comments: 1 comment or Leave a comment |
| I'm getting a little sick of being at school... during the summer when there's practically no one here. All my roommates are gone... and despite the two kitties, and the Raven... the house is a little lonely at times.
Last night I had to stay up to finish some work I'd been putting off... which reminds me that I should probably get back to work if I'm going to keep this silly job that I'm starting to hate. Not knowing statistics is a really huge downfall. I'm hoping that I can just make it through this summer... and then I'll be done. Maybe I'll make up an excuse as to why I can't come in as often... or maybe I can leave for a couple weeks. That would be nice.
Today, I'm waiting for my Professor to come in and the lady from the furniture place to order furniture for the lab, that might actually be fun. But I'm not looking forward to asking my professor about how to code the statistics... it makes me feel rather stupid that I haven't the slightest idea what I'm looking at.
At least I'll get paid soon... and lord knows I need the money. My credit card is looking rather sad. :(
Oh well. This weekend I get to buy the fabric for taverus's coat... which is going to be awesome... and the fabric is 40% off... YAY! I may buy some for myself... it would make a fantastic cloak. :D
alright, I'm going to make it look like I've been working hard this last week, rather than hardly working... | | comments: Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Guster: Parachute | | Subject: | Unobservant... | | Time: | 02:50 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/bouncy.gif) silly |
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| | I was eating some cake and ice cream... as I am wont to do... And then I set them down to type on my computer... I look back several minutes later to find that the bowl holding my delicious treat is missing... I look around me to see if I had possibly placed it somewhere else. But no, the bowl had been right in front of me next to the keyboard I was typing on... and had been promptly stolen by the Raven seated next to me on the couch. He even had to surpass the kitten barrier that has taken position between us. Sadly to say, I am so unobservant that I didn't even notice this happening right in my sight range. The cake and ice cream will never been seen again by me... for they were devoured by the Raven. Curses! | | comments: Leave a comment |
| I think this is one of my best comments ever: "Oh really? I might be able to help with that... I've some experience with whores..."
So yesterday was awesome. Despite not buying the fabric, I got taverus's measurements for the awesome coat I'm making for him...
It's going to be similar in design to these: ( frock coats )
And in this fabulous royal blue with an aged gold trim... with white accents and these beautiful buttons! I'm so excited!
But even better than that, we found the most perfect shoes at a thrift store for less than $3.00! They're awesome, look slightly french... a little before turn of the century... and they have an awesome buckle and are black leather. I was just in shock.
Also found a fabric for illicitlearning's cloak-y type thing... it'll be really fun having so many projects...
Oh, which leads me to the best part... the reason we didn't buy the fabrics yesterday is because the blue goes on sale Saturday for 40% off! and the other fabric is going to be 30% off! Yeah... totally awesome.
I think it made up for the mask store being closed... but I think the others didn't quite agree. But hanging out was really fun... and I enjoyed playing with Scoundrel's hair... I decided that he would look a lot like Haldir from LOTR if he didn't have facial hair (though I happen to like what he has)
Anyway... gave and received lots of hugs, which was good... The Raven heard back from WOTC, and won't be going to work for them in Renton, WA... I think I might be taking it harder than he is... it's just frustrating is all... But he did get a temp thing... so that's good...
And now it's time for me to actually get to work, rather than sitting her like a lump on the compy... | | comments: 4 comments or Leave a comment |
| I got my grades back! you know... the ones that I was super worried about because I thought I was failing Semantics, and I figured my Morphology teacher hated me... and I had to miss days for my sister's wedding and was totally stressed out... well look at this!
Morphology - A
Semantics - B
LING 199 - P (passing)
ASL 1D - A-
ASL 1DX - A
That's the best GPA I've had here, yet! Damn, I'm awesome!
In other news... I hate being stuck in a lab! There's not even anything fun... I have to play on the compy... :p
Yeah... maybe I'll go try to code some papers... or something... at least I was able to charge my ipod-o on the compy...
Edit: Oh, by the by, I do have scoliosis... and it's awesome... I should be at least an inch taller than I am... :) | | comments: 3 comments or Leave a comment |
| I had the talk with my dad... about money and such. Which was surprisingly painless... my dad really just wanted to know that I was planning on graduating in Spring of next year... which was my plan to begin with... so... yeah. He just really wants me to finish... I just really want me to finis... and we just hadn't talked about anything... which makes for the two of us sitting in the car making logical arguments about things that we agree about... and me trying to defend what I'm doing to someone that doesn't mind it really... he just wanted to know where I was at... and make sure that I'm not just dicking around all summer.
Stupid things I've done:
1. I forgot my cellphone charger... *facepalm*
2. I decided that organizing my bookmarks sounded like a good idea, even though my eyes hurt and are starting to close
3. agreeing to go to lunch and possibly a movie when I really would be enjoying sitting down with wasslara and drinking a cup of tea... I should probably call her...
4. thinking that I would work on my stuff here at all
5. promising to type up something for the research project... I need to get that done soon...
I think that's about it... so far things have been surprisingly good here... no fights or anything yet... Though I do get to try to borrow my car from my sister... that could become interesting... | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
| I finished all of my finals. I now get to wait until everything is graded, and I discover whether I've made it through another quarter or not...
Now I just have a few things on my plate:
1. Work (at UCSD for the Linguistics Department; same study that I was working on this quarter)
2. Christyn's graduation (Sunday at 9am)
3. finding a place for me and my roommates to live (we may have something... I get to see it today)
4. Getting my back fixed (apparently I may have scoliosis)
5. Moving (once said place is found)
6. getting things with my parents settled... I really don't know what this means...
7. cleaning both my room here, and my room at my parents.
8. figuring out when I'm working...
9. Making another corset (patterned to me this time)
10. finish my dress that I started weeks ago, but didn't finish in time for war.
Why is it that to do lists never seem to get smaller... or if they do, they start stacking up again. I need to find a good book to read... I just finished another "teen romance" style, and I'm kind of thinking I need to read more from the Victorian time period... | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| | Current Music: | Counting Crows: Yellow Taxi | | Subject: | Parents, purposes? | | Time: | 03:05 pm | | Current Mood: | ![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/confused.gif) confused |
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| In my life, my parents are a main source of stress.
I will not make this a blanket statement, because I know that other people have amazing parents that are supportive... sometimes to a fault.
What I fail to understand is my own parents. They seem to think that the times in my life which are stressful to begin with (finals, school, funerals, weddings) need that added bit of stress. Such as the phone call I got a couple days ago, basically saying that they expected I would be moving home for the summer and they didn't expect to pay for my rent or food, despite me telling them that I have a job here (which would pay the rent if it weren't due so early) that will be continuing over the summer. Add on that it's finals week and I'm already stressed to the max.
I don't think my parents really "get" stress. They don't understand it, and they certainly don't know how it affects me, or they don't care to see.
The fact that I live most of my life feeling ill, nauseas, headachey, or depressed... should say something. Stress is not my friend...
What I don't feel is supported. I've spent most of this year trying to find my place in La Jolla... in school and where I am in life. But I keep coming to this feeling of directionlessness (it's totally a word). I've told the Raven on several occasions that I feel like a kite that was let go in the wind. I haven't found anything to attach to... so I feel very alone and isolated. I've been trying to make some friends, but I haven't had to do this in a very long time so it's rather hard... And being the kind of person that has to know people for quite a while before I can really open up to them... makes it more difficult.
Getting back to my parents... I thought parents were supposed to support you and make you feel like you had something to fall back on in case you needed it. I don't feel that at all. I feel like my parents are either pushing me away and making the hard times more difficult, or pulling me back with promises of making things too easy... but taking away my freedom. I don't like either... but I don't know how to make them understand these things. Telling me that they hadn't planned on me staying at school over the summer, tells me that they want me to move home and work for UAM (which I hate more than any other thing in the world)... yes, it pays well, yes, I could make lots of money rather quickly. But the people there have perfected lying to each other... they don't care about anyone but themselves. They all have some kind of addiction... they are slobs (you just have to take one look in the kitchen after lunch to see it), they expect you to drop everything you're doing to do what they need, several of the men check me out every time I walk by... and answering phones means you have to lie through your teeth on a regular basis... or you are expected to know everything and when you don't you get yelled at or cussed out. Let's just summarize by saying, not pleasant. And to me, not worth the money.
Yes, my parents have been great on occasions... but they need to understand that I need my freedom (which means making my own mistakes) and I need to feel that if I'm in trouble (which, currently is taking the form of money) sometimes I need to be bailed out, without the strings attached.
They're supposed to be good Christian people, trying to help those in need (which sometimes they do), but maybe they just don't see that I am "in need" of parents.
(sorry about the length... I've been in a write-y mood today) | | comments: 2 comments or Leave a comment |
| There must be quite a few things in this world that make people feel important, or necessary.
I can't say that I really feel any of them. I don't feel that I've done anything particularly amazing, or worthy of saying that I am a necessary being. I'm not.
In the great big grand scheme, I don't really think I'm important at all. I think there are many other people out there that could do just as good, or better, than I can at everything I bring myself to doing.
And it's this train of thought that I think a lot of people don't understand. Or maybe they do. But the part that makes me depressed is that, from my perspective, everyone around me has something that makes them feel important. And I don't. I feel as if being important isn't really that important because no one really is, but then other people feel important, and maybe they're happier because of it. I really don't know, and probably never will.
Maybe I'm just feeling that "misery loves company" thing... or maybe it's just that I'm stressed from finals and don't know what I'm doing with my life. But right now, I feel as if the world refuses to present me with situations in which I could shine and feel truly important in the grand scheme... or even just to one person... I just want to do something.
Now I am tired, but no naps for me! I get to go to RPG club... and continue my useless existence... Never play a healer cleric, kids, it's bad for your self-esteem. | | comments: 5 comments or Leave a comment |
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It's my F-ing Journal, Mate!
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![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/cool.gif){kind=small}
calm![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/amused.gif){kind=small}
amused![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/yawn.gif){kind=small}
sleepy
![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/wideeyed.gif){kind=small}
awake![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/idea.gif){kind=small}
creative![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sad.gif){kind=small}
bored![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/sweat.gif){kind=small}
just a little overwhelmed![[mood icon]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/mood/growf/pengies/blank.gif){kind=small}
apathetic